Aust Winner 澳洲长风论坛

[荣宪]

怀 念
荣 宪



光打在轮船衰老的桅杆上
钟表摇摆时针缓慢地喘息

水手的儿子已经退休
水手那早已埋入泥土的手指
却死死地抠着船的魂
于是老船便真的老了
搁浅在沙滩上翻着白眼
生怕一个响雷带来的汹涌
把闪电埋藏

光打在轮船的衰老表情上
船板喀咔
响着怀念


20040924于井研

[雪泥]

这怀念写得有味儿，第二段8行，可否考虑四行一段？

[白水]

船板喀咔
响着怀念

寓意于声, 很生动的表述

[乐园成也]

诗的感觉很好。

[远山云树]

浓缩的诗意 凝练的词句 好诗

[舒白]

整首不错！
最后一句　响着怀念　太白．可以考虑再琢磨别的语言或词句！
个人意见．

[过路人]

好,原来怀念也可以这样铿锵有力!

[巫朝晖]

[过路人]

收藏

[AlisherHip]

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