[Culture] Three Generations Living Together Is Not a Blessing

Wu Chao Hui (JEFFI CHAO HUI WU)

Article Date: Wednesday, July 30, 2025, 8:58 PM

I have always felt that some ideas in this world have been glorified for so long that no one dares to question whether they are truly right. But when you experience it firsthand, you understand what it means to say, "on the surface it seems like a reunion, but inside it is a depletion."

Three generations under one roof, I have heard since childhood that it is a blessing. Family ties extend, grandparents and grandchildren enjoy each other's company, and the family is harmonious and beautiful. However, when I truly entered this life, I realized that this so-called "blessing" is more often a binding, a sacrifice, and a silent war of attrition.

I have seen an elderly lady, nearly eighty, who takes care of her bedridden husband every day, picks up and drops off her grandson from school, cooks, does laundry, and cleans the house, almost single-handedly supporting the entire family. Yet her daughter, the mother of the grandson, confidently says, "I'm too busy with work, so my mom has to help me with these things." This family, seemingly three generations living together, is actually an ethical inversion of "elders overdrawn, younger generations at ease." That elderly lady once told me a sentence that I still remember: "The child says I am filial, but in fact, I am the one being filial."

During my practice, especially when standing still and introspecting, these family scenes often come to mind. Although my body is motionless, my mind is incredibly clear—what does true stability mean? It is not about everyone being locked under one roof, but rather about mutual peace of mind and having boundaries. Many people mistakenly equate "cohabitation" with "closeness," but true intimacy is about respect, not disturbing one another, and allowing each generation to have its own space, rhythm, and choices.

Young people think "living together saves money," while older people believe "if you can help, you should help," so they make do. But over time, from the volume of the TV to parenting concepts, dietary habits, and daily routines, which one isn't a hidden minefield? Too many friends around me confide that marital relationships are not destroyed by infidelity, but by "living with parents."

I am not someone who talks about principles without substance. I have been writing articles for decades, focusing on structure, empirical evidence, and logic. I once wrote about "the elderly kidnapped by civilization" and have seen too many instances of "control under the guise of love." You think you are being filial, but in reality, you are binding others with morality, making them pay for your happiness.

This kind of kidnapping often comes under the guise of "we are family." "How convenient for your parents to live together." "Family members should help each other"—these seemingly warm words actually conceal a reality: Who is bearing the cost? Who is making concessions? Who has never been allowed to have a choice?

On a deeper level, in many families, the elderly spend money to buy a house, but the younger generation asks them to "move out and not be a bother"; or the elderly put in effort to take care of the children, but are told to "not interfere with the education." This is not family; it is debt, an endless moral transaction.

Many scholars in various countries have already begun to study this issue. In the United States, there are academic journals dedicated to discussing "intergenerational power conflicts in multigenerational families." Research in South Korea has found that the incidence of depression caused by conflicts between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law in three-generation households is nearly 50% higher than in nuclear families. However, in the Chinese-speaking world, there is almost no systematic in-depth discussion on such topics.

Why? Because culture does not allow it. Because "filial piety" is a moral high ground; anyone who questions it is deemed unfilial. Thus, we can only suppress and endure. Enduring and enduring, it has become the norm today.

I write this article not to oppose family affection, nor to advocate for any form of "cutting ties." I just want to say that true familial love is not about the physical proximity but about the psychological space to breathe. Let parents have their own lives and let children have their own rhythms. Even if they are separated by just one street, the emotional bond may not necessarily weaken; on the contrary, it might even be better.

If you ask me, are there any happy families living together across three generations? Of course there are. But that is a rare exception, dependent on the premise that all family members have high awareness, strong communication skills, and an economic structure that can sufficiently support it. For the vast majority of people, they are actually forced into a life model that must "appear to be united" by traditional frameworks and real-life pressures.

We can continue to praise filial piety, but we cannot avoid its distortions; we can continue to respect tradition, but we must dare to upgrade it structurally. Because the next generation is no longer willing to bear such invisible sacrifices, and the elderly also deserve their own old age, rather than being used to fill the gaps in the lives of the young.

So I say, living together in three generations is not a blessing. At least, it is not a universal blessing, but rather a family collaboration that requires extra awareness and consciousness. Without clear boundaries, equal communication, and sufficient space, it is merely a "beautiful misunderstanding" of mutual repression and intergenerational entanglement.

I haven't lived with my parents for decades. Except for the pandemic, I make it a point to have meals or go out with them once or twice a week. This should be considered another form of filial piety that blends Eastern and Western cultures, right?

We should wake up from this misunderstanding.